The SOTU Speech We Want to Hear

Mister Speaker, Madam Soon to Be Gone Vice President and my babysitter Dr. Jill and second gentleman. Members of Congress and the cabinet. Justices of the Supreme Court. My fellow Americans:

I’m sorry for the whole Afghanistan fiasco and especially for abandoning the thousands who risked their lives helping us with Intelligence. May their souls rest in Peace. I guess I really screwed up by giving the Taliban the (World’s most expensive to build) Air Base and the tens of billions in war equipment.

I’m also sorry for closing down the pipelines, no longer granting new leases, squeezing banks to squeeze those in the oil business on loans, and slow rolling drilling permits. I guess its a pretty big screwup depleting our oil reserves, bankrupting hundreds of American businesses who employ millions of taxpayers, and depending on our enemies for oil when we sit on the World’s largest supply. I guess not a very popular guy with those having a hard time paying double to fuel for their cars and their home heating.

I’m sorry my entire family is corrupt, and we’ve made tens of millions sell Americans out.

I’m sorry for stealing Top Secret Documents fir my crackhead son to sell.

I’m sorry for frequent “showers” with my young daughter.

I’m sorry for most everything I’ve done, but mostly I’m just Sorry.

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